Past contributions to A Guy’s Opinion have come from many artsy guys: an actor, photographer, and one of the world’s finest air guitar players. So for today’s musings, we opted for a little variation and went for a fellow with the most feared, loathed, and precise employments around—yes, our guy’s a lawyer. But fear not, dear reader, there will not be any legalese to decipher! We found Jordan, 28, to have a very aptly named profession (technically he’s an entertainment attorney), as the following funny musings will show. We highly suggest you read on for his deliciously direct thoughts on celebrity outfits.

I need to start by saying that I hate every outfit on this page. I also hate my picture, for the record. So if you are reading this and you just HAVE to go out and buy any of these outfits, go for it. Now. No need to read any further. Seriously.

1. Jessica Simpson

This outfit says: boobs and pants. It looks like something that J. Lo would have worn on the set of Selena. The sleeves say “Summertime!” while the turtleneck says “I’m freezing!” I can’t really see the purse, but it looks like something I made out of papier-mache when I was in the first grade.

2. Scarlett Johansson

I don’t get it. I’m confused. Why would you wear a Mafia trench coat, low cut v-neck shirt, scarf, Ray Ban sunglasses, tights, and skinhead, shit-kicker boots all at the same time? I think there are similar temperature confusion issues afflicting # 1 and # 2’s outfits. The sunglasses are very Max Headroom, which is either good or bad. Is that a wedding ring? No, wrong finger. Wrong hand? Perhaps. Wrong outfit? Definitely.

3. Geri Halliwell

It’s ballsy to wear black tights with a shirt that stops at the waist. I would assume that you have to be very careful with those sticky, creeping, skintight black tights. Careful where you sit, how you sit, how you get up, where you stand up, where you stand, how you stand. Maybe it would be better to sit—legs crossed. I like the color of the belt, but I like everything red. The shirt is terrible, just terrible.

4. Ashlee Simpson

Is that linen? She looks very comfortable. As opposed to # 3, anyone wearing this outfit has no worries except for wondering when those damn corporate fat cats in City Hall are going to legalize marijuana. At least her black toenail polish matches her black fingernail polish. Is that a friendship bracelet? I think I have those sandals. I’m guessing that # 4 stole her glasses from # 2 and her hat from Dick Tracy.